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Possum Day/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You know, one of the frustrating aspects of two or more people using the same fridge is that when you go to put something into it, there's no more room. And why? Because of the vegetables. Every fridge has these drawers that are supposed to keep vegetables fresh. How does that work? I mean, it's not airtight. There's no laser gun in there, killing the germs and bacteria. It's no different than the rest of the fridge. Anyway, you can't stop vegetables from going bad. They were bad to begin with. But you can't just take 'em out and throw 'em away, can you? Or somebody'd be very upset. Somebody who can do things to you in the night. And not the things you were hoping for. Well, here's a way to get rid of your vegetables without laying a finger on 'em. I punched a hole in the back of the fridge. And I ran this vacuum cleaner hose right into my vegetable drawer. And I don't mean a normal household vacuum cleaner. I'm talkin' heavy industrial. That baby could suck a football through a fire hose. All right, let's get rid of those vegetables. Okay, uh, my mistake. I hooked it up to the output side of the vacuum cleaner. [ chuckling ] oh, boy. Okay, um, tune in next week when I show all you cat lovers how to make your own kitty litter. [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. Yeah, thank you. I appreciate that. Boy, we got a big, big idea this week up at possum lodge. Instead of having groundhog day that predicts the end of winter, we're gonna have possum day, eh, predicts the end of summer, see. So on September 2, the possum comes out of his tree. And if he doesn't see his shadow, it means fall it just around the corner. If he does see his shadow, it means we get six more weeks of summer. And if he sees harold, he plays dead. Uncle red! Uncle red! The possum day campaign is just really taking off. Really? Great. Oh, yeah, yeah. The radio station is going to promote it. We're getting a big push in the daily movement. Oh! Oh, yes. So have you got a possum for us to use there, harold? Have you? Well, it's just -- [ making sucking sound ] no. All right, harold. We're gonna need a possum. Well, they're really hard to catch. They're not hard to -- they are hard to catch! They're not hard to catch! But you gotta use your brain. Oh, really? Yeah! See, you gotta outsmart him, see? So you say, okay, what do possums do? Um, nothing. Well, I mean, they're pretty much useless and lazy. Well, see, okay. You use that to your advantage. What do things do when they're useless and lazy? They get their own television show? [ laughter and applause ] it's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] today's prize is a coupon for 10 minutes of free long distance service, courtesy of the world wrestling foundation. Why not reach out and [ deep voice ] crush someone? Okay, cover your ears, dalton. Red, you've 30 seconds to get dalton to say this word... Yeah, all right, winston. And... Go! Okay, dalton, when you go into the house, the first thing you say is, hi, honey, I'm... Sorry. No. Okay, there's a song. I'll be blank for christmas. Oh, broke! Okay, when guys make their own beer, what kind of brew is that? Skunky. Okay, think of baseball. All the players are trying to go... On strike. Okay, dalton, when you get older, you may have to go into a... Pine box. Uh, red, almost outta time. I know. I know. Okay, dalton, around here we have an expression... Keep the something fires burning. Oh, the tire fires! Yeah, if it wasn't for that plume of smoke on the horizon, I'd never find my way home. There we go! Mike: You guys ever lie to your wives? Dalton: Well, that depends. Mike: On what? Dalton: On whether we're gonna lie to you. You know, mike, everybody lies to somebody some time. Didn't dean martin sing that? Mike: Well, you know what? You don't have to sell me on the positive aspects of lying, mr. Green. Lying is what got me to where I am today. Dalton: Out on bail? Red: Yeah, okay, I know lying is wrong. I only lie when I have to. Dalton: "I only lie when I have to"? Who'd lie when they didn't have to? Red: Hap shaughnessy. But women lie too. They just do it differently than men. Men and women lie differently? Red: Absolutely. See, women will lie to make other people feel better; men lie to make themselves feel better. How do you mean? Well, men lie about winning, you know, if they're in a fight, of even if they're in an accident. And they lie about fishing. Where'd you hear that? I read it somewhere. You're lying. Well, sure I am. See, you knew that. You knew I was lying, see? Men expect men to lie about stuff. Yeah, you know what? It's kinda like exaggerating. Like, say you hit your thumb with a hammer. Well, it winds up, by the time you're finished that you've duct taped your arm back on after a band saw accident, you know? Everybody knows you're lying, but they still oh and ah just the same, right. It's a masculine trait. Men lie to each other. Okay, I know that. But what I'm askin' is do men lie to their wives? Dalton: Well, I suppose it has happened. I mean, how can you build a relationship if you're lying to each other? Red: Oh, no, no, mike. One you get married, you're not trying to build a relationship. Dalton: You're in survival mode. Oh, yeah, so when she asks you if that dress looks too small on her, you lie. But that's perjury! Lying is against the law. Not when it's done in self-defence! Amen. Hey, I got great news. All-wheel drive and four-wheel steering is not just for the super rich anymore. Now the super poor can have it too, thanks to today's project on handyman corner. So I figured between these two k-cars, we should be able to make almost one drivable vehicle. That's because the k-car has no real frame to speak of, and they're front-wheel drive. You could say it's spineless with a lot of dead weight at the back end. It's really the dalton humphrey of automobiles. First thing we gotta do is downsize each of these babies. It's the exact opposite of the way they downsize the government. We're gonna keep the part that works. Don't be shy with the duct tape on this job. It's the only thing holding the unit together. And there's nothing worse than nailing a speed bump, only to have your back end break off and start chasin' you. And there we have the makings of our four-wheel-drive, all-wheel-steering vehicle. And here's an added bonus... Stick the back ends together, you got yourself a dandy portable garden shed. Okay, the big jobs are all done. Now we just have the minor details of connecting the two sets of controls. Okay, now, this took a bit of brain work, but I think I'm okay now. See, for both cars to work together, you've got to get the one doing the exact opposite of what the other one is doing. Kind of like a marriage. I've got the steering wheels hooked together so that when I turn this one to the left, the other one goes to the right. [ creaking ] this baby turns so sharp, you gotta back off on the gas, or you'll run into yourself. Same thing with the turn signals. I signal right on my end... But the real trick is the gear shift. I hooked them up so when I go into drive at my end it goes into reverse at the other end. Oh, sure I got a couple of problems, like, I got no trunk, no brake lights and no exhaust pipe, but that's a small price to pay to be driving with cutting edge technology. So remember, if the women don't find you... [ coughing ] kids always need money from their parents. That's fine. And generally, parents will always open their wallets for their offspring for any request that doesn't contain the word "bail." but you may be at the point where they're talking about a different kind of money. I mean the inheritance. The big post-dated cheque. Well, this is where I draw the line, one of the few times where my advice is... Shoot the works, baby! I'm sayin', spend it. If you can't take it with you, why pack it? That leather chair that massages your back while it plays "in a gadda da vidda," you go for that! That pick-up truck that sits up so high you can see where you're goin' half an hour before you get there, ring 'er up! And maybe it's time to put in that wet bar beside the pool; and when that's done, put in the pool beside the wet bar. The point is whatever you do, don't feel guilty about it. You raised those kids, and you paid for them. Whatever money you have now is yours. And a leftover's never tasted so sweet. Remember I'm pullin' for you. We're all in this together. Ladies and gentlemen, we interrupt "the red green show" so that I may bring you the following important environmental message. Greetings, campers. Ranger gord here with another one of my patented.... Gord: Hey now, here's a pleasant scene... A couple of backwoods doughnut brains having some fun on the diving board. However, what they might not understand is that danger in this sport of "diving," if taken to its extreme level -- I am of course talking about the terrifying overlooked sport of cliff diving. Now, before any dive is attempted from a height of this magnitude, one must first discern whether there are any rocks or other debris in the landing area. Well, ho-ho, it's a good thing harold pointed out the danger down there for us, hey, red? That's another diving tip, always go with a buddy. Now, come on, red. Let's find a safer spot. Uh, gord, uh -- uh, this is pretty high. Uh, I mean a guy could get hurt on a jump like this. Gord: Oh, come on, red. Don't be such a wuss. Folks, it's a proven fact that if you play a sport afraid, you are more likely to get injured. And you don't wanna get injured, do you, little red? Uh, no, not really. Ha! Ha! Good. [ screaming ] so remember, kids, never take a ride on the wing of a plane, unless properly licensed to do so. It's just common sense, isn't it? Well, great news. We managed to catch ourselves a possum. All we had to do was set the trap upside down. So now we're in business, and the possum day thing is really picking up a lot of momentum. Actually, the t.V. Station up in port asbestos says they're going to send a crew down, unless there's anything important going on that day. Or anything going on that day. Oh, uncle red! Oh! There's been a possum-napping. Well, that's what they do, harold. No. No. Someone has kidnapped our possum. Yeah, we think it's the guys from caribou lodge. They're so jealous. They're jealous of us? That's hard to do, harold. Well, don't you worry -- don't you worry, because maybe we don't have a real possum, but we still have our possum mascot! What? No. No. Yeah. Yeah. Mike, where is your pride? Mr. Green, this counts towards my 100 hours of community service. This is not gonna work, harold. Okay, how 'bout mike sneaks back into caribou lodge and gets our possum back? Yeah, 'cause I look just like one. Watch. Harold: Have you seen enough? You're too late. Red: Kind of an unusual adventure this time. Winston had just finished a day's work, and as per usual, he was checking his cash, and there was a small crime wave at that moment. A gun comes in -- this never happens around here, but... As it turns out, just a water gun from walter. Oh, now winston grabs that and takes after him. This is how things start. And this is a real lesson of how the world works with the arms race and so on. Winston has the little gun. He's sneaking up on walter. A little payback time, but walter turns around and he has a much bigger gun, and he unloads that on him. So now winston grabs that one. Now he's escalated her a bit, so walter's going to take it up to the next level. Winston comes around there. I don't think he's in the wood pile. And I don't think he's in that empty trailer either. I don't think he's there or there. Here he comes, and, you know, I'm thinkin' he may have something for you, but winston first of all fires the -- winston's outta water. Don't worry. Here's some. So now we're up another level. So now it's gunfight at the ok corral. Very good turn out for a Tuesday. Oh, walter's takin' it to another level. Winston... Hmm. We've all had days like that, haven't we? Oh, boy. So now winston goes down to the store and gets something real super duper. Pumps that up. Oh, yeah, baby. He's ready to go. He's goin' nuclear. What he didn't realize was that walter had been to the same store just before winston and had gone with the double extra large. Lotta water in that thing as winston's pants were about to find out. So now walter's going to the maximum here. He's got the backpack tanks on there, at the super-howitzer level. Winston just has a little gun, but he doesn't seem to be worried. He's actually waving walter over. He's ready to take him on. Walter can't believe it. You're gonna take me on with that little thing? Look at this baby. I got like a bazooka. I mean, you are gonna drown. You're just gonna drown. Winston says, no, no, wait a sec. It's not the size of the gun, you know. Check the hose. Take a look. See that? Yup. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, it's not plugged into the chair, no. It's not -- oh, boy! I think this is walter's way of surrendering. There you go. Let her go. You ever notice that over the years your dashboard has changed from a bunch of dials and gauges into nothing but idiot lights. That can't be a compliment. And who can remember what they all mean? Whenever I look at that symbol, I don't know whether I'm supposed to add oil or make three wishes. So I'm gonna make a few alterations. First of all, I'm gonna put in sensible signs. And I'm also gonna have a way that I can add fluid without having to get out of the car. Heck, without even having to stop. Now, I'm gonna do that by switching from something nobody understands... The cars of today, to something everybody understands... Breakfast. Okay, first thing you wanna do is take yourself half a dozen of these maple syrup dispensers that they use in restaurants. I would recommend that you get these from any dimly lit 24-hour diner. The key component here, see, is the spring loaded nozzle they got on the top of her there. Just add a wire to this baby, fill it with the appropriate fluid, and you're on your way to happy motoring. Each of these bottles is filled with a different automotive fluid. And I got them mounted over each of these filler tubes. Then I ran all the wires through the fire wall, and in keeping with the breakfast motif, I attached a picture onto each wire that would associate a fluid deficiency with a breakfast food. Now even for your car, breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Okay, here we go. Oil has got to be grease; grease, well, that has to be bacon. Bring home the bacon. And if the rad boils over, well, that's gotta be coffee. If the transmission starts grindin', that'd be sausages. And if your engine starts fryin', well, that would be the eggs. This baby is toast. Mission accomplished, mr. Green! You sure he's in there, mike? Oh, yeah. He's in there, all right. Let me see him, red. Uncle red! Uncle red! The guys from caribou lodge, they pulled the old switcheroo. What are talki'' about, harold? The possum, it's not a possum. Sure looks like a possum, doesn't it? Yeah, looks like a possum, acts like a possum. Of course, that's what you get when you shave a skunk! Winston: What's the problem? Red: Don't you smell anything, winston? Oh, sorry. I came straight from work. Is that a new rug? [ possum squealing ] meeting time, uncle red. Yeah, you guys go ahead. I'll be right down. If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. I'm gonna have to sleep in the garage tonight, even though we didn't have an argument. So wait a sec -- the next time we do have an argument, I wanna count this as a credit. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] sit down. Sit down. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. Bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. Okay, men, we're gonna keep this meeting pretty short, because a few of us have to take off all our clothes and burn 'em. What's goin' on? We're changing. Why? Because we have to, I guess. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com